Pre-ass: The part of the body right after the back but just before the ass. Complete name is the post-back-pre-ass but for brevity’s sake, it’s called the pre-ass.

If you’re a commuter, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you’ve seen it. You're just too preoccupied to give it much thought. Anyway, just humor me on this one. Imagine that you’re riding a jeepney. It stops to pick up a passenger. A woman. When she boards, the moment she steps on the platform to enter the vehicle, she immediately reaches behind her and pulls down her blouse at the back to cover herself... She’s covering her pre-ass. A common sight, right? Nothing out of the ordinary. You won’t even notice it unless you try. No big deal, really. Most women do it. Maybe even you do it yourself.

Well, if it’s really not a big deal, if there’s nothing wrong with it, then why blog about it, let alone create a movement about it?

I witnessed an incident just recently that pushed me to create the “Don’t Cover the Pre-Ass” Movement. It happened one late afternoon in Ayala. Going home, I flagged down a jeepney in front of SGV bound for Ayala MRT. Two blocks into the ride, the jeepney stopped to pick up a passenger in front of Glorietta, which is, by the way, an unloading only zone. This fact would come into play later. Anyway, a woman boarded the jeepney. And not just any woman, but a woman. On a scale of 1-10, she’d be an 8.03. A classy lady, she had saloned hair, manicured nails, a body that works out, and not just from Slimmers' but most likely from Gold's. Her shopping bags were Mango and Rustan’s. Actually, I don’t know why she was riding the jeep in the first place, maybe her Benz was in shop, I don’t know.

Upon entering the jeepney, naturally, and expectedly, she reached back. Her left hand was holding the shopping bags and the other hand was behind her, pulling down the blouse to cover her pre-ass. As she was shuffling down the aisle to her seat, something happened. The driver suddenly floored it. As in pedal to the metal.

As any Makati commuter would know, who experienced being late because he had to walk a block instead of stopping right in front of his office building, you can only ride or go down in specific, designated areas. As any Makati driver would know, who experienced getting caught by the MAPSA because of unreasonable traffic rules, these MAPSAs are sneaky bastards. They’re like yellow and green jack(-asses) in the box, just popping out without any warning.

So the driver floored it to escape the fast-approaching MAPSAs. But then he immediately braked to avoid a Toyota Altis in front of him, which apparently, he didn't see before. So if you could just imagine the brute force that we experienced inside the vehicle. Good thing we were seated and we had our hands on the handlebars.

For the woman who just boarded… I have never seen someone fly inside a jeepney before. She fell, no, she tumbled… actually she flew. She flewmbled. That’s how bad it was, I had to create a new word to describe what she did. She traveled 10 feet in a second. I still have to confirm with Guinness, but I think it was a world record.

I was embarrassed for her. It was so embarrassing that I wanted to console her. “Okay lang yan miss, at least maganda ka." It was so embarrassing, she moved two points down the ladder. She went from an 8.03 to a 6.029

The thing is, it could have been easily avoided. There’s no one else to blame but her. It’s not the driver’s fault, even if he loaded passenger in an unloading only zone. It’s not even MAPSA’s fault for being a sneaky SOB. It was her fault. Specifically, it was the fault of her pre-ass. More specifically, this happened to her because she covered her pre-ass. Thus the “Don’t Cover the Pre-Ass” Movement was born: To prevent women from hurting, or worse, embarrassing themselves.

You could say that I could be reverse-psychologizing the women so that they’ll always show the pre-ass for my pleasure, but believe when I say this, seeing a pre-ass does nothing for us.

Ladies, I’ll let you in on a secret, a simple truth would save you from the cumbersome task of covering your pre-ass: It does nothing for us men. And this is coming from a self-confessed, self-proclaimed momonyak. Trust me, you won’t get violated in any way. Looking at your pre-ass is just like looking at your forehead. Compare it with seeing a side-boob. Or cleavage. Or thigh. Now these things would get something going, if you know what I mean. But a pre-ass? It does nothing to us whatsoever. The only time you have the right to cover your pre-ass is when you have pre-ass-cne (similar to back-acne or back-ne but only on the pre-ass).

Honestly though, we can’t fantasize about a pre-ass no matter how smooth or creamy it may be. So the next time you are boarding or deboarding a jeepney, use one hand to hold the handlebars and the other to carry your stuff. Forget about covering your pre-ass.

Join the “Don’t Cover the Pre-ass” Movement.